How to Talk to a Bully

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Talking to a bully is never easy.

Not for adults.
Not for kids.

Unfortunately, some people bully others, but we don’t have to sit passively by and let bullying go on.

It’s a shock to the system when somebody is

intimidating
rude
pushy
threatening
taunting

It is especially a shock to a kid’s system. Many kids have learned the “Golden Rule” at home of how to treat others as you would like to be treated. As kids, that is a harsh lesson, so as parents, we have to…

talk with our kids about good behavior
mold their behavior
and give them strategies to manage their behavior

We teach them that good behavior is a choice and that we expect them to make good choices.

This is all great until they come across a bully.

Not all negative social interactions are the result of bullying behavior.

Some kids are more direct or demanding in how they talk or behave. Kids are all learning social skills in school along with reading and math. Either way, it’s good for all students to learn to communicate in difficult or adversary situations.

As a first-grade teacher, I had a front-row seat to observe what happens when kids meet up against a negative social situation or a bully. The victims are shocked and unable to respond. They feel powerless. They need social tools and practice to deal with the situation.

Tearful and angry, the victims would come to tell me what had happened.

This was a bit of a pickle because if I handled the situation, the bully would obey me as a teacher, but that would not solve the problem for the student who was picked on.

I took a different approach.

I coached the victim on how to talk to the bully with the ideas I listed below.

I would then practice it once or twice with them pretending I was the bully.

Lastly, I sent them to talk with the bully and told them I would watch to ensure the plan worked.

As they headed towards the bully, they always looked back at me to double-check that I was watching. I was intently focused, and my body was turned towards them with my arms folded. That student knew I had their back.

Once they started the conversation that we had practiced, they could tell the bully what they needed to say.

Now, truth be told, the bully often saw me from afar, focused on their potential reaction. Good choices were typically made while I was watching, but what mattered the most was that I was giving the victims strategies to use and practice themselves.

They gained confidence.

Then when I was not watching so closely, they would start to stand up for themselves. They did not need me as backup anymore.

So what can we do as parents to give our kids the confidence to stand up for themselves?

Talk with them about how to react if somebody is being a bully and practice how they can respond!

Kids often worry about being rude or getting in trouble if a bad situation arises. They need to know it is ok to respond and learn how to do it.

Even if there is trouble, they can work out the problem with an adult once things cool down.

Make eye contact.
1. Teach your kids to look someone in the eye. We expect this from adults, but kids know how this feels.
2. Looking someone in the eye shows that you mean business.
3. Practice making eye contact while having regular conversations and practice it when you are teaching your kids to be assertive like talking to a bully.
Keep the response short and to the point.
1. Give your kids some simple prompts to say.
2. I feel angry when you____, stop it.
3. That is my___, I’ll take it back now.
4. Many schools practice prompts to help kids share their feelings. Find out what the school uses, so you can stay on the same page with what the school is doing.
Use a firm tone.
1. A firm tone is not a yelling voice.
2. A firm tone is a strong, clear voice.
3. Good locked eye contact works well with a firm tone to get the point across.

Practice these strategies with your kids a few times. Then practice periodically as needed.

Talk with your kids about what to do if they see someone else getting bullied.

How would they feel if they were in the victim’s shoes? Would they want someone to help them or get an adult? I bet their answer to that is YES! Teach your kids to be aware and to help others out if needed.

Lastly, kids should know that if a bully is ever threatening or intimidating, they should tell an adult.

They should also tell an adult if their actions are not working.

A bully needs to be stopped!

How will you practice talking to a bully with your kids?

Here are a few resources for talking with kids about bullying…

How to Lose All Your Friends by Nancy Carlson
Bullying is a Pain in the Brain by Trevor Romain
The No More Bullying Book for Kids by Green Allen and Vanessa Page

If this post was helpful to you, share it with others who need some tips for bullying!

Here are other posts to check out…

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I love sharing fun and useful products for parents! Some links I use are affiliate links including links for Amazon.com. I get paid a small commission, without any additional charge to you if you make purchases from the links. The commissions are us… — I love sharing fun and useful products for parents! Some links I use are affiliate links including links for Amazon.com. I get paid a small commission, without any additional charge to you if you make purchases from the links. The commissions are used to fund this site in order to bring fun and helpful content to parents! Thank you!

How to Talk to a Bully