The Blessing and Burden of Family Advice: What Parents Should Know

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When you become a parent, everyone has advice, and the most persistent advisors seem to be older family members. They were once new parents, having navigated the challenges of family life. They have spent years laser-focused on doing their best to raise their kids and keep them on the right track. They had to muddle through the hard times and relished the good times. If they can ease your journey in any way, that is often their goal.

As we have modernized at a faster pace, some of the old recommendations have evolved. It can be challenging for them to understand the new routines and parenting systems.

On your end, it is hard enough to follow the new systems and norms for raising kids today, and at the same time, try to share the latest scientific study explaining why you are doing what you’re doing.

The Good Takeaways From Family Advice

Older relatives have lived through the hard times with less research to rely on. My father-in-law was born on a farm, and at 4 pounds, his first bed was a shoe box; his mother had to do her best without much help. In today’s environment, he would likely have spent time in the NICU, receiving extensive medical support. Older relatives want you to know that you can do it, even in scary times. They share their stories to encourage you in your struggles. If they could do it, you can too!
Handing down traditions, customs, and values is often done through the older members of the family. They take the time to share old stories, meals, and hand down their wisdom. This helps children form deeper connections with family and the bigger community.
Many parents rely on older family members to help with childcare or lend a helping hand with a sick child. You may find that these family members have great tricks up their sleeves for mentoring kids with their homework, or they have an excellent remedy to help kids with a sore throat.
Older family members want to comfort you in your struggles, and giving advice is how they feel they can be helpful and relevant.

The Bad Side of Advice from Older Relatives.

With increasing research, parenting norms are constantly changing. Looking back at my mother-in-law's baby book from 1939, we recently found that the recommendations included giving the baby cod liver oil with orange juice or tomato juice, and to give them a sunbath several times a day. Today, we strictly avoid sun exposure for babies, but I think we can agree that kids today could do with more outdoor fresh air. (Check out the photos at the end to see the advice from 1939!)
New safety standards can be an open door to the old “back in the day” conversations. I was raised in the 70’s-80’s. There were no bike helmets, car seats, seatbelts, or sunscreen. Not many people of any age will advise against these things, but older relatives can tease and roll their eyes, talking about how they survived without all this “fuss.”
The availability of screens and changing social norms can prompt older relatives to try to help, but it may not be useful for today’s lifestyle. When the internet first became available, I recall coming across inappropriate content and telling my mom. Her recommendation was to never let the kids use the computer. In that moment, I wish I could have done that, but schools began using computers, and you had to keep up with the progress. New technology becomes an integral part of everyday life. This was one area in which I had to lean on the advice of a pediatrician, the latest research, and my peers for creative ways to keep kids safe online.
The tone of older family members can leave new parents feeling inadequate and less confident. It can be a new experience to stand up for new ways of parenting or to correct misinformation coming from older family members.

How to Handle it Gracefully

Do take time to show older family members how to use the new car seat and bike helmets if they are babysitting or taking the kids for the day. Share your family rules and routines so they can support you by keeping your systems running smoothly. Print or text any specific information they will need so they can refer to it when necessary.
Listen to the advice they have to share and let them know that you appreciate their help. It is ok to explain what you have been told and what the new research is. You can even joke that the new information will probably change again by the time your kids grow up!
A polite but firm response may be necessary, as the same advice is repeatedly offered. Calmly say, “Thank you for letting me know that, but we are doing it this way for now.”
Share new research as you learn about it so older family members can learn alongside you. Maybe it will inspire them to learn more about modern parenting.
Be kind and be honest. If you're having a problem with a particular family member, meet with them privately to discuss the issue, rather than during a family gathering.

Overall, it is becoming increasingly difficult for generations to relate to one another because our modern world changes and updates at such a rapid pace. Then the older family members try to help but realize how much things have changed, while new parents are inundated with modern recommendations. Both want the best for the children.

Discussing this modern-day gap ahead of time can help both generations be more charitable and patient with each other, setting a good example for the kids as they grow up and have families of their own.